Sometimes things don't need a title

I have NO Idea where this post will go, but let's give her a solid try. 

I'm literally not even sure where this thought or what this may turn into. I'm just in the need to escape and write, so here she goes. I guess we'll call this a story time post 👀

Lately, I have found it very difficult to want to get close to just about anyone. Men in particular. Whether it's because of past history, I just have zero desire to, I'm not quite sure. Most of my attempts of trying to get close to any male sort of figure has horribly back fired. The unfortunate thing is I'm becoming less and less interested in dating, or even entertaining the idea of dating. I find it almost annoying at this point when anyone even asks. It's not their fault. I just truly have little to no desire to make conversation. Dress up, make conversation,(awkward usually), feel like there are expectations at the end of the date. I don't want anything to do with it.

Now, you may be asking yourself. Well don't you ever want to meet the right person? Settle down? live the "American Dream"? Sure?...I guess there is no good answer to any of those questions. If i say no, I sound like a bitter cynical woman, who has been burned one too many times. If I say yes, then I sound like society. The only answer I can give, is I want my story. I want what my life is supposed to be. Which clearly has not been having a husband, or children in my twenties. Owning a house, having a "career", or anything that is of the societal norm. 

Do I sometimes sit and wish I had what I see others have? Sure, of course I do. Do I wonder what it would be like to have a marriage? Children? A family of my own? Of course I do, I think about it quite often. Do I obsess and hate my life because I don't have these things? No, not for a second. Things happen and mold for a reason. I have in no way shape or form been ready to be a wife or mother through my twenties. My early twenties I was growing into myself, understanding myself. Mid twenties I was fighting with who I was. Late twenties and now into my thirties, I'm coming to terms with who I am and appreciating it. 

Life has so much been about growth for me. I sit and reflect on myself a lot. Wanting to be better, stronger, confident, and fierce. 

Getting back to the beginning topic. I have been single for two years. A solid two years. I have had interests that have peaked my thoughts of possibility. They were wrong though. Timing, lifestyles, respect. None of it meshed, not a lot of it was there. Not that it is really anyone person's fault. It just wasn't meant to be. It's been hard on me, I will thoroughly admit. I haven't felt worth much, or really worthy of much. Sometimes wondering if I'm actually lovable. Wondering if I'm just a convenience, because people know that I will always be there. 

I can fervently say that I'm working on all those thoughts listed above this current paragraph. I think because of wanting to work through this, is the reason why I have zero interest in dating. Anyone. At least until I can sit and say, "you are worth so much more", and actually believe it. I don't feel it's fair to bring that baggage into any dating, relationship, etc situation. (gosh my grammar is terrible) 

Well, I think that's all I've got for today. More of a word vomit I guess than a story time. oh well. Till next time friends. Happy thoughts, happy minds, happy hearts

💖💜💙💛